What’s the secret of a great relationship? I was asked this question recently and it got me thinking about my own relationship. Whilst every relationship is different, from my lived experience, 5 factors come to mind. You could call these 5 signs of a great relationship.

You agree on what’s important

Myself and Brian have a very similar outlook when it comes to key areas of life; family, work, finances, health, relationships. We agree on what’s important and we face life as a united team. Nothing outside our relationship can impact us without our permission. Vital to this is not betraying our relationship. I would never speak about Brian in a derogatory way to a third party. If there’s a problem, that’s a conversation we have with each other.

No power struggle

The first stage of a relationship is the ‘honeymoon’ period when you get to know each other. It’s followed by the ‘power struggle,’ where you test each other’s boundaries. Some people see how far they can push their partner as an unconscious way of testing their partner’s love. In some relationships this on-going power struggle becomes the norm which fosters repression and resentment.
We all have to cope with the stresses of life and it’s the person closest to us that bears the brunt of our frustrations. Our relationship is stronger because of the disagreements we’ve had, because they’ve always led to a greater understanding of each other.

You can be 100% yourself 100% of the time

Brian sees me when I’m far from my best. He loves me even when I don’t love myself. What hope is there for an authentic, soul-connected relationship when you feel you cannot show up just as you are? I’m free to be me without fear of judgement or repercussions. When you feel safe enough to risk being vulnerable, you open the door to fulfilment and happiness.

It shouldn’t be difficult

Whilst all relationships will go through different stages and seasons, it shouldn’t be a constant struggle. Some people thrive on drama because it gives them stories to tell and it’s a covert way for them to get attention. But great love is not solely defined by fiery passion and drama. I believe it’s quite the opposite – quiet, easy and solid. It’s companionship and connection that is both ordinary and extraordinary.

We want the best for each other

I know Brian wants the best for me as I do for him. When you have each other’s highest interests in your heart, relationships are transformational. We all have our foibles and annoying habits, but there is nothing I would wish to change about Brian, because if I did, it would presuppose that who he is is not enough. Whilst we want the best for each other, it is not Brian’s job to make me happy or vice versa. As mature adults we take personal responsibility for our own happiness and well-being.

In the years I was searching and hoping for a great relationship, the person I was actually waiting for was myself. When I showed up, real, authentic and honest, that’s when Brian showed up. And eighteen years later, we must be doing something right.